The past few years have been daunting to say the least. Well, maybe I can narrow that down to just the past year. And I should narrow that even more to the past 6 months. But most of it is old news that I’m not going to re-hash here (although I love hash… most especially Mary’s Kitchen corned beef variety with those cute little bitty square potatoes in it… fried crispy with a spot of cheddar melted on top slathered over an everything bagel… oh my).
I continue to miss my mom every single day. I talk to her (out loud like a wackadoodle) and sometimes she answers me. I write to her, sing to her, and just about anything else that keeps her vivid in my mind (I wear her perfume, her bracelets… I have her crosses hanging on my wall. I watch her shows, even stupid basketball from time to time). The insanity of it all keeps me a bit saner.
My father is doing exceptionally well. (HI DAD!) By all accounts, with the type of mets he has, he shouldn’t be with us right now. But he is plugging right along with little progression thus far. In fact, he’s doing so well they had to re-up his hospice agreement. I can’t believe I just wrote those words. The irony. Doing so good he can re-enlist in end of life care. He continues to work… albeit his days are a little shorter and he naps a bit more. (LOVE YOU DAD!)
So, coming back to me….
Somewhere over the past year, or 5, I’ve sort of lost me. The essence of me. I think it started with the MS dx. I sort of became this other person that revolved around being sick. But I’m not sick. Not really. I have this thing but I wouldn’t call it sick. Altered maybe. Different for sure. But not sick.
And being whatever I was started the cascade of losing me.
Life changes, major ones, in the past 5 years also contributed. Chronic illness, new man (and marriage – no regrets, wouldn’t change it one little bit), relocation and job changes, relocation and more job changes, illness, death, and finally back to me. I’ve tried to find the cycle… the phases, stages, circles, and sidewalks that connect it all… but so far no luck.
Anyhoo, in just the past week or so it has dawned on me how incredibly blessed I am. I mean, I’ve known that all along, deep inside. But something woke up. Something slapped me on my chubby and wrinkled up cheeks and left a hot stinging WAKE UP print on me.
So I went out and cut my hair, and got some new fancy foil highlights. I got back on the right track with food. I have a bit more pep in my step and bit more resolve in the bottom of my cuppa joe. I’m reading more. I’m walking more. I’m enjoying this new home I’ve created for Coach & I (and it’s wonderful Boho decor I’m drowning us in).
I don’t know where it came from.
I just don’t know….
Some sort of validation or vindication running through my days? Not that I’m aware of. A triggering event or word or glance? Not that I’m aware of.
I’m alive and well…. although there are some amusing moments.
For example, this afternoon I had to pee something fierce. I mean it was BAD BAD BAD… like if I bent over to tie my shoe I would wet myself and at least 500 feet of the hallway. I quickly undid my pants and began lowering myself to the toilet seat… I thought slowly enough. But – I missed. The toilet. I was about 3/4 off to the left. Just enough to body slam the wall, jostling the commercial style ass-wipe holder (the anti-theft kind… what kind of world do we live in that requires anti-theft devices for 2-ply ass-wipe or even the John Wayne variety?), and making all sorts of humorous noise I’m sure. It couldn’t have been concerning noise because no one came rushing to the women’s restroom banging the door to check my welfare.
And not too long ago I fell. Just fell. No reason. Guess my ass has been missing the feel of concrete that’s been cooled by sprinklers in the night air. I must say though – I’ve gotten quite good at the fall. Slow and graceful. No unnecessary attempts at blocking the fall causing injury to the hands, wrists, elbows, shoulders, hips, knees, ankles, and so on. I just sort of gradually sit down for no apparent reason.
MS is a weird thing. But you knew that already.
My daughter, her 1/2 sister, and me participated in an MS fundraiser earlier this month. Painting with a Twist. It as quite fun. We did this cute painting of a walk path with pretty trees in the sunset. I guess I did okay LOL
I’ve been fortunate to spend time with my dad a couple of times since Christmas. I’m trying to get up there as much as I can. On the last trip a few weeks ago, my aunt & uncle had come to town. We did a family selfie – without Dad. He was at work. I’ve never known such a dedicated man as Dad. He’s walking around with cancer in his head and liver, receiving visits from hospice nurses and STILL the man goes to work every day. He’s amazing!
Coach & I moved. He had his replaced on January 4th. Recovery would’ve been difficult living in an RV. So we are in an apartment now. I LOVE IT! The healthcare system I work for built apartments and townhouses when we became a teaching hospital. A place for the medical residents to live… and other members of our workforce. At first Coach wasn’t thrilled about the idea but he always does what he can to make me happy. And so we moved… the weekend I went to be with my mother. Behind us there is a not so pretty piece of earth moving equipment. It really reminds me of that old book “are you my mother?” … anyone familiar with that one?