May 292011
 

I’m different….

Not just physically… but I feel it in my mind…. I’m not the same person anymore… I know… I have MS… but it’s more than just the thought of that…

It’s more how it has changed how I think… how I process… how I retain… what my confidence level is… I feel like I’ve reverted back to that self-conscious, self-loathing teen… the one that feels dumb and stupid most of the time… the one that thinks no one likes her… the one that has nothing to offer…

I don’t like that feeling… I’m not depressed… it’s different than that… and I don’t really know how to explain it… I look at myself in the mirror and not much has changed that way… but inside…in my mind… at the core… I’m different….

I’ve lost my mojo… I feel as though I’ve lost my essence… who I am… and I am struggling to find out what happened to me… not physically… I know that answer…

Is this just a result of something tragic or devastating… is it just a result of the changes my body is dealing with… is it a normal part of aging… is it part of the grieving process? I don’t know….

I just know that I don’t like it much… I don’t like doubting myself… I have become uncomfortable with my mind and how it is working… I’m not the same person anymore…

I was reading some older posts… the ones before the cognitive shit started… I was funny… I was blunt… I was forthright and blatantly honest… maybe too much sometimes… what happened to that? Why can I not find that twisted, dark humor again?

I like to think it will come back to me…. at least a little bit… maybe?

Being an adult is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane.

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