Feb 172012
 

as she went back in for the last load of her stuff… well, the last of the stuff she could manage to get in her car… she felt such a sadness. yes, this is what she wanted (and needed) but even so, it was an ending… a failure… the end of a chapter. such a short chapter in her life… how could she have let this happen? so young, so abused, a child on her hip… and leaving.

she had planned this moment for a year. she knew it was coming. and she thought she was completely prepared for it. she had gone to school to become financially fit… she was going to be raising her child alone. the one thing that kept her going through that year of school was the proverbial light at the end of this tunnel… the tunnel of hell.

there was no way she could allow her baby girl to be raised in such an environment… booze, abuse (verbal and physical), rape, disease…a total disrespect for women…the constant demands of the “bitch”… where’s the dinner bitch? mow the lawn bitch… fix the sink bitch… wash the clothes bitch… get the beer bitch (one would’ve thought her mother played a cruel joke on her and named her bitch)… most of these tasks around the home were normal day to day things… the routine of running a home. but when something is demanded of a person in a brutal and abusive way, it changes things.   she was made to feel as if she was as dumb as a rock… she’d heard it so many times… she was an idiot, she was stupid… and you know? when a person hears something like that over and over and over again, well it’s only natural that at some point, it is believed. surely it was true. right?

i wonder what the long term impact is on a person who has been berated like that… does a person have to be told only one time that he is dumb to cause a life long impact? i think so… especially when it is said by someone a person loves, trusts, looks up to… and what of children? how easily they are influenced by what the adults tell them… they trust that the adults are going to teach them and love them… and when a child is taught that they are dumb it sticks… very hard to overcome… to this day, i doubt myself...

school showed her otherwise. she learned what the teachers threw at her with no problem. no studying – who had time to study? raising a baby, working part time and going to school full time… not to mention the pickled husband that was constantly berating and humiliating her… even with all this in her life, she was able to graduate from the program with honors. she had proven to herself (even if no one else noticed) that she was not an idiot… in fact, she was quite smart.

as she packed the last of her things into the car, she cried. no one knew she had planned this. no one knew that she had been living in a home of abuse and alcohol. she was incredibly embarrassed by the whole thing. most of her family had such high standards that this would just simply not be acceptable. but what else was she supposed to do?

moving day was chosen because of one big thing – he was at work. he was gone. he wouldn’t be there to hit her, berate her, block her way…. perfect day for moving. the girl was young enough that she wouldn’t remember any of it. once everything was mashed into the car and the baby was buckled into her car seat, she backed out of the drive. and in that one moment, the world crashed in on her. he was home… he was pulled into the driveway and parked right behind her… the monster was there.

tears, dread, fear… all rushed into her heart. funny what babies know… the girl began crying… she sensed the danger.

she put the car in drive and began pulling forward to leave…. the monster attacked her car… screaming, ranting… he beat the car… he jumped on the car… he threw rocks at the car… he tried to block the car… she just kept driving forward… slowly… she didn’t want to hurt him… he deserved to be run over…flattened in his own driveway… the bastard.

but she was not that kind of person. she hurt for him.

Being an adult is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane.

  8 Responses to “the last load”

  1. Ouch. This is heart wrenching. I take calls like this when I am at Lifeline and I cry with and for the caller every time.

    Thank you. This is beautiful writing about a hideous topic.

  2. Beautifully written, but so very sad…

    Peace,
    Muff

  3. Heart wrenching. A lot like my first marriage.

    • i think there are so many who have had these relationships… many more than any of us know… the shame, the embarrassment, or the fear… keeps many women quiet

  4. I have no words.

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