Nov 022012

#000000;">“Oh Jesus. Oh God. This isn’t really happening. It can’t be. I love you. LOVE YOU. Don’t you understand?”

#000000;">These are Kevin’s words to me as I stand here staring at him in disbelief. I mean, really. He clutches his chest as he dramatically falls to his knees. An outsider looking in might think he was having a massive heart attack. Well, I suppose on some level, maybe he is. I decided this morning that this non-relationship is truly a non-relationship worthy of being thrown into my past. Starting at this very moment.

#000000;">This non-relationship imploded, exploded, and shattered into more than a million little pieces of heart and soul similar to the shreds of a human head just after a 12 gauge shotgun is discharged through the mouth. You may or may not be wondering what a non-relationship is. For those of you who are wondering, it would be one of those relationships involving a husband, a wife, and a 20-something insecure, slightly pudgy girl who is searching for love and light, maybe a little tender validation that she is a worthy human being. There has been a demon living inside of me, a demon that was put there by some unknown force of the Universe… I like to think that it was Kevin who planted the demon. The demon is the one of the whores. The demon is the one that makes us spread our legs and lust for the things we aren’t supposed to have, those things that aren’t ours for the taking.  Those things that belong to another. (Kind of cool how I can refer to Kevin as a thing these days)

#000000;">In the seconds before this scene (worthy of a golden statue to sit upon his mantle), I told Kevin that I couldn’t go on like this. I just can’t do it anymore. You are killing me. My guts hurt, my heart hurts, my soul is bleeding the blood of every whore that has died before me. Jules is on her way. She knows everything. I told her. Yes, I told her.

#000000;">Jules is Kevin’s wife. In the first 2 years of this relationship, I didn’t know she existed. Really. I know you think this is impossible. How can a person be so completely “in love” with another person and not realize that they have a Jules? Impossible you say. Let this little fact be further description of what kind of person Kevin is. He is a man who can hide his Jules – and his 3 beautiful children, one of which is only 5 years younger than me.

#000000;">It was in the third year of my non-relationship that I met Jules. She became ill and Kevin was dedicated to making her well again. His theory? He can’t possibly leave her and commit to me while she’s sick, especially with those three beautiful children needing her. Don’t they need him too? I guess not. He was never home. At least I think he was never home because how could he be? When he wasn’t working he was at my house, loving me, cherishing me, making me feel like a whole person for the first time in my 26 years of living. Three years of wasted time living like a whore without fully realizing that I was. Someone pass the scarlet letter my way so I can promptly sew it on front of all my clothes. Better yet, make sure it’s got velcro so I can more easily affix it to whatever I’m wearing (I hate sewing).

Being an adult is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane.

  5 Responses to “The Implosion – The First Installment”

  1. Please continue to share!

  2. Hurry up and get to the good parts will ya…..Sheeez, all this sappy stuff is killing me. I wanna read about all the hot sweaty sex stuff.

    “Fifty shades of MS”

  3. Scary and real. Brilliant.

  4. Wowzer! Looking forward to Instalment # 2!

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