Jul 102011

I remain in a world of bleh…. ha sounds like it could be an interesting place…maybe a carnival fun house thingy or something…. if only….

I’m fine… just hurting more than I have ever with this beast… I was hoping and thinking that surely by today it would be getting better… not. Actually, the cramping spasmy pain is moving up my arms…. I guess there wasn’t enough room in my delicate little woman hands to contain the abundance of bleh that is being dished out….

Enough of that….

There was a time in my life when I wouldn’t think twice about change… moving… new city or state…didn’t matter…. it was adventure… it was healing… it was sometimes necessary and other times wanted…. Just pack up and find a new apartment or little house… or get in the car and go to another city all together… no problem!

*Ok that is sounding sort of nonchalant… it was a big deal… sometimes a problem… there were people to consider and that was a huge deal….and it still is….

But these days that is not the case so much… I like the idea and the notion… I romanticize it… I tend to still think of myself with the same gypsy ideations as always…. funny how our bodies and minds change but our hearts pretty much remain the same….

There is so much more for me to consider when I think about moving…. I think about work, income, insurance, my medication, my neurologist…. fucking MS. It has robbed me of the gypsy soul…. ok not really, but it has created a world in which I must stop and give serious consideration to things that were once no big deal….

I hate the thought of holding Coach back. That is the last thing in the world I want to do. I don’t want my health to stop him from moving up and making the most of his career…. but I don’t want to be without him either…. this isn’t something that we have discussed… it is my messy mind processing things…. all on my own… ha… asking for trouble now!

Being an adult is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane.

  11 Responses to “the gypsy soul lives on… sort of”

  1. oh our messy minds and skewed perceptions and projections. are you sure we aren’t twins separated at birth?
    “Damn girl it will be okay!” Sherri, our men don’t say this when they dont mean it.
    Listen, kid, you have MS and maybe moving around is bumpy, but you are moving in every sense of the word – your spirit, your heart, your whole life moving forward- MS is there. Yeah. Jesus, if I had a dollar for every moment that I blamed myself for holding Ron back, or over-burdening him with his pitiful, sick wife, keeping him from living the life he could without me – God Sherri, I can’t conceive of being that wealthy.
    Yeah, MS is there with you – but it isn’t YOU.
    Yeah, Depression is here with me – but it isn’t ME.

    • there are so many emotions that go with being sick like this… and i hate that it has such an impact on others… it can do what it wants to me but i wish there was some way to lessen the damage it does to others in my world… somehow it’s not fair to them… oh well… not much i can do but just keep moving forward and manage these things when they come up… coach loves me..he’s not going to leave me behind… mostly because he knows how much i would pout ha!

  2. I think Coach just said it all. After that I have no words.

    • I understand about the impact on others part. But if we move into the arena of the Buddhist belief system of interconnection. Then we see that everything brings opportunity for everyone involved. We have a chance to work with whatever our diseases are here to “help” us with and we give everyone close to us the opportunity to work on their issues by way of being with us.
      God, I know this sounds like I am a mad woman. These are the teachings I have incorporated into my life for the last twenty years. Hard to hold on to everyday but for me it’s there when I need to remember that my depression may have some higher purpose for my karma. I don’t like that I am not one of the easy-going-healthy-happy people living what seems to me to be a life of simple struggles. I hate it.
      I know this doesnt much help and might offend you but it’s my 2 cents.

      • this helps much more than you know….

        i tend to forget that my struggles may be of benefit to those around me… indeed we are all interconnected… something that is easy to forget when swallowed by the pain and crap that goes with our diseases…. thank you my friend for your words…. they are much needed….

  3. Damn woman it will be ok

  4. damn girl it will be ok

  5. You expressed my feelings too. As a child, I always looked forward to the move to a new apartment. Dreamed of traveling to Europe, seeing the United Stares, etc. Now I am happy where I am. I cerainly don’t have any desire to visit other countries. As for moving, if we HAD to I would.

  6. I used change home points more than my underwear. Ok not really cause I did change my undies once a day! I have lived in this little rat hole now since 1982 yeah over half my freaking life – go figure.

    You do not loose the gypsy in your heart – ever.

    I agree with Webster too – moving to me is scary but I would follow KRP no matter what.


  7. Sherri, moving is always a bitch, whether you admit it or not. Hell, I am so glad my parents bought me this house (even though it is NOT accessible, nor can it be made so easily), because I know I am here to stay. MS has stopped me from keeping the house as clean as I would want, and from doing the yardwork that needs attention, but I know I can get help if I was willing to ask for it. I, too, must consider my DH’s feelings.

    Your MS will be fine even if you have to relocate. Let Coach follow his bliss and know that you are part of that bliss. In my heart of hearts I know Coach has your back, just as you have his.

    Someone has to consider the ways and means of getting by – and I guess that’s where you worry. Give it up to your Higher Power, and don’t allow stress eat away at your nerves. I have a feeling that all will be okay.

    Besides, I watch the weather report. Anywhere has to be better than the South or Southwest this time of year. Seriously. Why don’t you consider moving to Washington or Oregon? It’s nice up here.

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