in a thread on a previous post, my friend paula of every day radiance gave me pause…that’s a good thing… she has such a profound and wise mind and i feel such a deep connection with her even though we have never met in person… she is an unbelievable person with such a kind and compassionate soul. through all her ups and downs of life she has cultivated this peace that radiates even through her words… i can imagine that being in her presence one would sense that peace on an even greater level… anyhoo…
the pause she gave me…well, it has to do with the fetal position. often times here i have mentioned that i must remain humorous, dark, twisted, and somehow make fun of my situation… i must laugh at myself or i will end up in the fetal position all blubbery and beside myself….
|discouraged love by anonymous|
paula views the fetal position in a much different way…. she said to me “Sherri, between the lines of so many of the counsels you have given me have taught me that it’s okay – I can hold that small, frightened person inside with empathetic tenderness. When we learn from our teachings to embrace every moment , it means EVERY moment. Joy, sorrow, fear, all of that. we must surrender to, let it arise through us, with all its painful sharp points and let go. The pain of letting go is acute. But it’s all we have. And we do that over and over. Besides, fetal is not weak. Wasn’t that the safe, nurturing place where we began?…Sherri, you can’t imagine how many times being in that fetal position saved my sanity. In so many ways, that self-protection is purification from all that is going on inside and toxifying our spirit. Cleanse and take a deep breathe and be fortified sweet sister.”
so now i begin to think of the fetal position as a place of safety too…i just haven’t had the time to go there yet…. i need to take a vacation so that i can go there and nurse myself, heal my mind, and find a place of peace… since my diagnosis, i haven’t had time to do that. life just keeps dragging me forward… and i suppose that is a good thing but it sure would be nice to wallow in it and come out on the other side… i think it’s a necessary thing…
you see – there are two sides of the coin here… on the one hand, life pulling me along and forcing me to move forward no matter what is good…. right? not allowing me to wallow in self-pity… forcing me to participate without being able to back out of living… right?
but what if it is necessary to back out of living for a bit… i’m not talking about death… but what i mean is this… what if the human mind, the soul… needs that time to absorb the new life, the new normal as my friend mary calls it… what if i can’t truly accept my situation and begin to live with it, in it, and around it until i’ve gone to that fetal position… until i’ve allowed myself to become more pure in some regard? what if going to that fetal position, the beginning of life, the safe nurturing place will complete my grieving? will i emerge as a newly created butterfly with beautiful colors, new designs, new visions on life?
the pause…. it’s a lot to think about…. my mind works this way? does yours? what do you guys think about all of this? i’m i wacky and way off base? thoughts! give me your thoughts!!