There are so many moments in a day that I think to myself – I am sick of feeling like this. Just plain ol’ sick of it. And the really disheartening thing about it all is the realization that it’s not going away. It’s not going to get better. It’s only going to get worse. Still, I have not found a way to reconcile myself with this.
I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life feeling like shit.
Most of the time I tell everyone I feel fine. I’m getting pretty good at that little lie. Any lie, repeated often enough becomes easier. If only I could believe my own lie.
I laugh. I smile. I have a good time. But always… always… there is this little niggling inside that continues on. I feel like garbage. Always. It does no good to wallow in it… to speak of it… to acknowledge it. Or does it?
I continue the lie. I continue pushing myself beyond what I know is reasonable.
Until the day comes that it knocks me on my ass.
That day came recently. I have pushed, pushed, pushed. I have remained busy. I have not taken the recovery days that I need. I have said yes too many times. When I try to say no, a huge lump develops in my throat and the word can’t pass. Until I can’t move… that’s when I’m reminded that I must stop. I must.
Last year during football season, I took loads of photos. I was on the sidelines of every game walking up and down the length of that field. I loved it.
This year I don’t see it happening. I’m working now. All day long…. moving around in the heat of the day. Last Friday was our first scrimmage game. I worked most of the day, came home and laid on the couch for about an hour and then it was time to go. I was feeling okay, tired but okay. The legs were working, the back was as relaxed as it gets these days.
I parked in handicap parking at the stadium and walked… walked… walked… to the visitors’ side. By the time I got there my legs were beginning to do the wonk. I stayed in the stands down low and started taking pictures… sitting down, standing up…sitting down, standing up.
It was so incredibly muggy and hot. I needed to get something cold to drink. Because this was a scrimmage game, not all concessions were open… only the one on the home side. On the other side of the stadium.
It took me 45 minutes to walk to the concession stand and back. Holy shit.
Then I sat. No more picture taking. I just sat. My ankles and feet swollen and miserable. My legs were wobbly and jello-like.
Yesterday I slept 18 of the 24 hours.
Today I have already napped twice.
I have to go grocery shopping and do some laundry today. No choice. There’s no food or drink in the house. There are no work clothes clean.
Coach is back to his 7 day work week so it’s really hard for him to help out… he’s not around but to eat & sleep.
So today I buck up and trudge through. I hold on to walls. I use the cane. I try to stay out of everyone’s way.
**I don’t mean to bitch and whine. Just sometimes it gets the best of me. I know there are so many out there in much worse shape than me. I feel very blessed that I’m still doing so much. But some days…..
Pity party done.