Jan 022014

I hate resolutions. More specifically, resolutions made in the middle of the night just before a new year begins. Those resolutions. I don’t make them.

There have been times in my life that I’ve resolved to do something…. Sometimes I get it done, other times not. But there’s something different about a new years’ resolution. I don’t know why but there is. It’s more of a failure on some level when a resolution is made at the stroke of midnight only to be forgotten in the morning light. I do everything I can to avoid setting myself up for failure. I am already too critical of myself as it is!

Besides, wouldn’t it be better to make a resolution (which really is commitment to change) when the time is ripe? Seems to me it’s better to make the commitment when you see the need to modify whatever it is that may be needing that change… I would bet some of the new years’ resolutions would be better made throughout the year. I can imagine there are people out there who have jacked something up and realize the error of their ways only to say “I’ll make it my NY resolution this year”… of course, whatever the jacked up something is was discovered in February. It’s sort of like realizing I need to lose 10 pounds but waiting to start a diet until 6 months down the road at which point I need to lose more than 35 pounds. Ugh.

Enough of that mess.

I have a problem. And it’s not one that a resolution would fix… unless there’s some hygiene thing I’m missing but I don’t think so.

This morning I woke up, grabbed my cup of coffee and sat down at the table to read email and check out the news. I had this sudden very sharp painful feeling on my buttocks area. Because we are plagued with those stupid spikey grass burrs, I assumed that’s what I was feeling. I swiped my seat, my ass…. No stickers. Hmmm. Okay, so I thought maybe it’s inside my pants.. Yes, I shoved my hand down the back of my pants and swiped my pants and my ass in search of the sharp pokey object. But there wasn’t one.

What I did find… o.m.gawd. A thing that I really shouldn’t describe to you in an area that I really shouldn’t mention… a big raisin like growth causing me a great deal of discomfort… (and that’s quite an understatement). I ran to the bathroom and grabbed a hand-mirror… the only one I own is about 2 ½ inches in diameter…very small. I hiked my leg while trying to aim my backside towards some light source hoping I could contort my body into a position allowing me to see what it was down in the unmentionable region causing so much pain.

All I succeeded in doing was causing the worst Charlie horse ever in the history of horses….

And then my mind got all twisted on me.

1. How come we don’t have a built-in light source in the darkest areas where big nasty things that cause sharp pains tend to grow? I imagine something akin to the little fridge light that magically comes on when the door is opened…. Yeah! Something like that. As soon as the leg is hiked, cheeks open, poof! Light! (There are some issues with an fridge-ass light though. Bending over could potentially cause the light to come on. Glowing ass… might not be so good at say, work… or the movie house)

2. Because I can’t really see what’s down there… what if it’s like a spider nest under my skin and when it finally resolves, a million little bugs will come crawling out of my pants?

3. Earlier as I bent over to pick some random crap up off the floor, it occurred to me that my ass might explode shooting little buggie spiders or some other awful junk across the room..

So that’s how my day has been… how’s yours been going?

Being an adult is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane.

  5 Responses to “Resolved”

  1. Ouch! And ick! I hope it gets better soon. And thanks for the spider imagery — eek!

  2. Aaaargh. I hope you find a solution soon. Hell, I hope you HAVE found a solution. That takes sucky situations to a whole new level.

  3. TMI TMI LOL glad to see your still . … Ok did you hum I saw the light now more darkness no more . …


    • At least you were not present to witness the contortionist maneuvers that only an Olympic gymnast can achieve. I’m sure it was quite the sight… me and all my glory up in the air in search of the all elusive light.

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