Dec 042015
 

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Each day gets a bit easier. I know I will always mourn the loss of my mother but I also know it will not be as overwhelming as time goes by. My hair is falling out. Soon enough, I will look as though I have mange. I spent 3 years growing it out and now it’s falling out. What the hell?

I started back to work Wednesday. It’s been hard to focus… of course that could mostly be due to lack of medications. My doctor has been out of town/country forever weeks and weeks and because the medication is so regulated… well, I’ve been out of it. Normally without the help of my little pills, I sleep, sleep, and then sleep some more. But I haven’t even been able to do that.

Returning to work is always hard, at least in my vast personal experience… after vacation or joblessness. Getting back in to the proverbial groove is not easy. I find myself daydreaming (sleeping) a great deal. I keep thinking I’m gonna get busted any second…. Usually it’s that second when you faceplant the desk top and everyone giggles OPENLY LAUGHS.

This morning I was at a symposium that by all rights, was pretty danged boring. It really didn’t pertain to my line of work but I was there for show ‘n tell. I was pretending to take notes so I could sit with my eyes closed. Mistake. I was jarred abruptly awake when my head slipped off my hands and I nearly gave myself a black eye. I rationalized that no one saw me. But I’m guessing at least 1/3 of those in attendance did. Oh well.

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Dec 012015
 

As you may have figured out by now, my mother passed away. Friday November 27th at 2:38 am. She fought cancer. Mom didn’t lose. Cancer didn’t win.

God won.

It was a great blessing that I was able to spend the last 6 days of her life with her. I held her, prayed with her, sang with her, read bible verse with her… we said rosaries, sang the Litany of the Saints and Ave Maria…. on the night before she passed, I bathed her. I will never be able to enjoy the scent of lavender again. It will forever remind me of that night.

On my way to her home last week, I was dreading what I knew was coming. I was afraid of watching my mother die. But I also knew I had to be there. I had to hold her and love on her. But damn if I wasn’t more frightened of anything in my entire life. I didn’t know if I would be able to do it.

IMG_0891[1]This was the evening before she passed … before her bath. I know she looks scared but she really wasn’t at this point. She was quite relaxed and at peace. Her stare was interesting. She was talking with someone. We didn’t see them. I heard her talking to my Aunt Mary who passed away a while back… she really missed her sister. And I heard her talking with her parents. Spooky but not.

The things I felt during this time I can’t find ways to express. Profound sadness (obviously) but also an incredible awe. To witness such an important part of the life cycle… I mean, we all see birth, experience it many times with the children around us. But how many people are exposed to the dying process? Most turn away. Most don’t believe they can cope with it. And many just choose not to. It’s the part of life we all want to deny. We are afraid of the end so we just ignore it.

I have spent lots of time over the past few days trying to rationalize my thoughts and feelings. I have a (sometimes bad) habit of analyzing things in an effort to make sense of them. And then eventually I just wear myself out and decide that somethings will just never make sense. Or they won’t make sense in a way the human mind can comprehend. I haven’t worn myself down yet. I’m still analyzing. Rambling. Trying to figure it all out.

My MS brain doesn’t remember many of the finer details of daily life anymore. I’m very afraid of losing the finer details of my time with mom. So many things were said and felt between us and I wish I could hold on to them.

I’m glad I chose to be present. It was hard. I’m not brave. I’m not courageous. It was my mother. How could I not be there for this life event?

I realize this might just possibly all sound quite wackadoodle.

I guess more than anything, I just needed to come here and write this down. I want to always remember what an extraordinary honor it was to be there for my mother.

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Nov 232015
 

I love you so. As I lay here next to you, watching over you…. I can’t begin to say what I want to…. My heart breaks and also rejoices.