I haven’t written much funny lately… it’s all been pretty heavy stuff…evil stuff…or just stuff that is indifferent. But it all needed to be told.
So now I will try for something a little more pleasurable to read…I hope…
Not too long ago I wrote and told you all about my blessings ( I have no shame) and what a wonderful addition they have been to my life. Sort of. I mean, if you want too examine the pros and cons we can:
- got me LOTS of attention
- keep me looking like a girl when I have super short hair
- allow me to take about 15 pounds off my weight when I step on the scale… I mean, 15 pounds is all boobage at least!
- I have nice cleavage
- pain upon running or any other bouncy type activity
- women’s shirts in my size don’t allow for super-sized boobage (much pull at the buttons)
- dents in my collar bones from the ropes, bungee cords, and other devices required to hold them up in a position that is at least close to normal boobage placement
- can’t shop at Victoria’s Secret
- those 18 hour bras are really only good for about 4 hours
- neck pain
- back pain
- shoulder pain
- less sensation = less pleasure than those with small boobage
- heat rash under the boobage (learned to apply anti-perspirant under the blessings
- when tanning, there is a half moon shadow under each blessing
- mammograms suck… so much boobage to get flattened out… requires lots of cranking of those plates
- can’t do a great self-exam…
- they disappear when lying in any position (flopping into armpits, etc)
So you can see, the cons outweigh the pros. Don’t get me wrong… I like my blessings. They are what I was given and I have adapted and overcome for the most part.
Let me tell you about my first date….
I think it was around 1978 or 79. I was so excited to be going out! I mean… a real date! The plan was dinner & a movie. Good by me. Dress was casual.
I put on my best jeans… my only pair of Gloria Vanderbilt’s, straight legged with the embroidered swan on the fifth pocket (oo la la!). Hot stuff! And for the top I adorned the blessings in a powder blue fitted t-shirt with capped sleeves and a scoop neck. I had on a gold stretchy belt…remember those? And Yo-Yo shoes… my my.
I was pretty darned cute…especially when you add in the Dorothy Hamill bob cut hair…. oh baby!
We ended up dining at Furr’s Cafeteria – familiar with that one anyone? It was the best choice for date night… buffet style so that we could both get something we enjoyed. I don’t remember what I selected going through that line… but I do remember getting a glass goblet style bowl of chocolate pudding. Yes, on a date – I was not ashamed to eat like many of my friends!
So as we sat down to enjoy or dinner, the conversation was rolling…sort of. I needed some salt for my food and it was positioned between us… we sat across from one another, not next to one another. My father explained to me from a young girl up that it is always better to sit across from your dining partner so that you can see them. Makes sense… even to this day.
So anyhow, the booth was of the low sitting variety so in order to reach the salt I stood up slightly, bent over my food and grabbed the salt. Now it wasn’t as rude as it sounds here…. the salt was right at the edge of my dinner tray… but those tables are so wide and the booths so low that it required this maneuver.
And do you know what happened? I came back to a sitting position, my date was sort of looking at me odd and then broke out in laughter…. my blessing it seems is the exact same diameter as those little glass goblet bowls with chocolate pudding in them….
So I had a chocolate covered tit for the rest of my date… I ran to the restroom to remove the pudding…. but really? Chocolate on a powder blue shirt?