Aug 162012
#000080;">*Note – I don’t normally bitch & moan like this. But it feels necessary now… like maybe getting it out there will make me feel better… I want no pity, no sorrow, please. I much prefer snark & dark humor…

I hate these headache days. It seems as though the past 4 or 5 days I’ve done nothing but complain eh? Sorry. I just have been feeling like the proverbial pile of poo. I suspect I’m relapsing although I don’t want to call it that. Calling it a relapse means things may or may not be getting worse. I assume it’s not a pseudo flare-up because there really is no reason for that. No stress. I’m avoiding the heat. I’m getting more than enough rest/sleep. There’s no reason for a pseudo flare. So…

Flare ups generally mean the MS is hungry once again. And admitting to a flare up is like giving in. I do realize there is no giving in or fighting it… at least not for me. It is what it is & I learn to cope with what’s dealt to me. It’s just scary. I know most you guys can relate to that fear. Those of you who can’t, there’s no way to really describe it. I guess the best analogy would be the hypochondriac who is living with the grey clouds of doom & gloom hanging over head… always in fear of something tragic happening – big huge life altering somethings happening.

Sucks to live this way sometimes.

On a day-to-day basis I don’t sit around all maudlin thinking about how horrible my life is, or swimming in the pity, or even contemplating all the what if’s. Don’t get me wrong… there are moments each day where the what if’s cross my mind. I think that’s pretty normal for everyone, but especially for those of us living with disabling, deteriorating, chronic illness. The risks for bad shit are higher for us… no level playing field here.

So I’m feeling like shit… okay. The one pressing thought this has brought to the front & center section of my addled mind is this… what am I going to do should something happen to me during the 16 +/- hours I’m home alone? What if I fall and break something? No, not the floor… me… something broken on me. What if I suddenly can’t move my legs? What if I get lost somewhere when I’m out running errands? What if…. what if…. You see where this heads…

Coach can’t keep his phone with him when they are on the field. He doesn’t have his phone turned on during meetings and other coacherly duties. So contacting him for help is out of the question. My family is too far away. I have no friends here. Mexican guy & his mother were here the other day paying me back… they offered their services for anything. They are both diabetics. They both said that should I ever fall, need help with anything I can call and they will come. I thought that was very nice. But I don’t know that I would be comfortable doing that. I mean… what if my naked arse is in the shower when it happens? Do I really want Mexican guy coming to my rescue? Pft, probably not.

My only resort is 9-1-1. I hate that… unless I’m really hurt and require the services of a hospital – then I don’t mind. But if I’ve fallen and need help getting up, I don’t want them tying up the resources available for real emergencies just to scoop me up off the ground. When I was a dispatcher, we got lots and lots of those calls. It was no big deal really. We were always more than happy to send EMS to help someone get up. As a patient though, I would hate it I think. Of course, I probably won’t have any choice. And then… if I’m hurt and end up at some hospital somewhere, I suppose the police/sheriff would have to go to the school and let Coach know.

So that is my plan.

My phone stays glued to me day & night just in case. And I must get over the hesitation of calling 9-1-1 should I need help. I’ve thought about life-alert or something similar… but you know what they do? They call 9-1-1… and they charge a monthly fee for their services. I think I’ll just eliminate the middle man.

Okay… enough morbid thinking…

I’ve had my headache cocktail (Dayquil, 3 aspirin, Tiger Balm, and 10 mg Adderall)… here’s hoping it will all kick in soon. I have things to do. Part of the art journey I am on with Sustainably Creative is to work little and work often. One of the tools for that is to make a list each day of 3 things I’d like to get done. They aren’t big things, but they are things I want to do. I’ve been pretty successful for the past week getting my 3 things done. Yesterday I only managed one thing but I mentally planned the actions needed for the other 2 on the list. So that is progress. Mostly, the mental aspect revolves around organizing, storage, how to make something work around the house without taking up unnecessary space or giving the cluttered feel. That’s really important when living in a tin can.

For today, my list of things:

  • Organize Coach’s clothes, separating his coaching attire from his regular attire (which he hardly ever wears). This was a big one for the planning phase. We have limited closet/shelf space for clothes. I want his most used things to be easiest to access. So I have a plan that will work. Now I need to implement it.
  • Make one sketch… today’s EDM (Everyday Matters) challenge is to draw my purse/bag/wallet.
  • One errand that is absolutely necessary – go to the feed store and take feed to Pistol’s caregivers.

That’s it… my list. Seems like it should be pretty easy to accomplish.

But oh it’s not. Not at all. Maybe a few years ago it would’ve been. Shoot, 6 months ago it would’ve been easier… pft.

I have an appointment with the fabulous Dr. Cain in a few weeks. I’m sure he’ll be happy to hear about all the new developments in my nervous system… not. He hates MS almost as much as his patients do.

I feel the need to include one happy thing here on this post this morning… so I’m sharing one of my favorite photos from the archives:


Being an adult is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane.

  3 Responses to “MS Bitch Session”

  1. That was a truly briliant photo – thank you.
    Sometimes I believe that ‘give us this day our daily whinge’ is what keeps me keeping on. Not a full length wallow in the pity pool, just a little paddle. And none of us think any the worse of you for airing the fears that so many of us also have.
    I am so pleased that you have a doctor you like and trust.

  2. Good on you Sherri, for being honest about how you’re feeling. I don’t have MS, but I’m a great grandmother so I do have some struggles with physical issues. I think those ‘help I’ve fallen services’ are a good idea. Our ambulance service here in New Zealand runs one. If the button is activated they immediately phone the user. If there’s no reply an ambulance is dispatched. Was a godsend when my mum fell and broke her hip. Moving on, I’m amazed at the amount of work that you all discipline yourselves to do. The rest of us have something to learn from you. You have prodded me to go and do my sketch for the day and get some more writing done. And I love the photograph.

  3. Sorry you having a rough time Sherri. I totally understand, as most of us MS’ers do. I did have a fall out in the yard, and couldn’t get up. I managed to crawl to the patio and sit in the shade until I was able to make it down the stairs and into the house.

    Hubber’s insisted that I sign up with one of those “help, I’ve fallen and can’t get up” services. Here in Canada, you register 3 contacts for them to call if you need assistance. If they can’t get in touch with any contacts, then they call 911. I didn’t want to go through with it, insisting that I would carry my cell phone with me at all times. Thing is, depending on the accident, you may not be able to retrieve your cell phone from your pocket or where ever you are carrying it, to call for help. The alarm button is worn like a bracelet or necklace and can be accessed a lot easier than a cell phone…and you only need to push one button. Mine has an auto alert sensor that detects if I fall, and automatically contacts the agency even if I am unable to push the button. “LifeLine AutoAlert by Philips” And unlike a cell phone, the alarm is waterproof so I can wear it in the shower. There is a fee, 42 bucks a month…but…”I’m worth it”, plus there are subsidies available.

    Love your photos!

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