Nov 062010
 

>i have absolutely NO motivation…. zilch. zippo. nada.

it started on about September 23rd… the day of my first neuro appointment. in the beginning of this adventure, it wasn’t so bad. i certainly had moments that were difficult, but overall i was chugging along, still managing to get most things done…. but as the tests wore on…the doctors visits… and the final culmination of it all – the diagnosis…. well, motivation has left me. is the start of the dreaded depression? God please don’t let that happen to me…. i don’t want to become that person…. although they tell me it is somewhat inevitable…and to be expected…

i don’t want to do anything. i don’t want to go anywhere. i don’t want to leave my little couch – actually it’s a futon because a couch wouldn’t fit in our little tin can. anywho, i don’t want to get off of it. i have accumulated all my crap right here beside me…. within easy reach… maybe i should move it so i HAVE  to get up to reach it? but see, moving the crap requires motivation…

i don’t want to even fix something to eat… and for those of you who know me in real life… i love to eat…

i haven’t cleaned the house… it’s an absolute wreck… i did manage to vacuum all 300 square feet a few days ago…but it stopped there. as i look around me, there are piles of crap everywhere…. papers, boxes, backpacks… stuff everywhere…. i just don’t give a shit. poor coach, bless his heart. he hasn’t complained at all… and he’s so busy with football and playoffs that he hasn’t had time to do anything here…. normally he does a whole lot of stuff around the house. he’s a good partner… he cooks, does laundry, does dishes (not his favorite), he sweeps… he helps me out a great deal. when there’s time and he’s not exhausted… you see, he leaves the house around 6:45 each morning, teaches all day, then coaches, and he finally makes it home around 8:30 or 9…exhausted….we shower and go to bed…. again – bless his heart.

the doc put me on this med that is supposed to give me energy… it does – mental energy…but not physical. it takes me so long to get dressed in the morning… and i don’t hardly ever wear makeup..and the hair – slap a little mud on it and go… nothing difficult there. but it takes sooo long to do….

i have to find my way out of this… i have to…

no worries… i’m fine… just musing… putting it out of my head helps… gives me some perspective… i’m not gonna hurt myself or curl up in a fetal position anytime in the near future – at least i don’t think so! ha!

(pictures coming up soon!!)

Being an adult is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane.

  10 Responses to “motivation… or i should say lack there of”

  1. >i managed to get off the futon for a few hours last night… coach made it home and we ran a couple of errands… and remember how i said he was supposed to help keep me motivated today? didn't happen… he had his day of lounging… therefore i had another…at least some of the doom & gloom wasn't hanging around my head… i'm contemplating on the book… how does one even begin a journey like that? ha! so overwhelming to think about…maybe my blog is a good jumping off point…

  2. >it absolutely makes perfect sense! i love those days when we wake up and decide "we aren't do crap today"… we don't even get out of our pj's… we drink coffee, read, internet it all day long… as i look around me i can see how much i have let go…seriously let go of what needs to be done… there is at least a foot of dust on everything… and enough dog hair around to make at least 3 or 4 adult wigs… (our dog sheds like crazy & requires daily sweeping to keep up)… i have never been so disorganized or "dirty" in my life… well except when i was a teenager ha!

  3. Are you sure you aren’t describing me? I have everything I can think of by my chair and no one had better move anything. I only cook when I am forced to. Clean house, only when it gets so bad even I can see something needs to be done. And, I really don’t have any excuse for it. I would be perfectly happy sitting in front of my computer all day.

    But, I have always said it is much more fun to not do something just because you don’t want to than not do something because you can’t. When you can’t do it, you just can’t enjoy not doing it. Does all that make sense? I know what I mean but can’t always put it into words.

    • it absolutely makes perfect sense! i love those days when we wake up and decide “we aren’t do crap today”… we don’t even get out of our pj’s… we drink coffee, read, internet it all day long…

      as i look around me i can see how much i have let go…seriously let go of what needs to be done… there is at least a foot of dust on everything… and enough dog hair around to make at least 3 or 4 adult wigs… (our dog sheds like crazy & requires daily sweeping to keep up)… i have never been so disorganized or “dirty” in my life… well except when i was a teenager ha!

  4. If futons were comfortable I would worry about you but my experience with them is they will annoy you so much you will soon leap off it!
    I got rather bummed when I found out I needed heart surgery. I actually felt worse when I was told I had to get it fixed then I did the few minutes prior! I lost interest in most things and dragged around for a few weeks likes I was 90 years old. One day I woke up and thought, I’m fine, I have a life to lead and I need to not waste anymore time. I think its natural to feel a bit bummed out and when we realize we are then that’s a good sign hat we are ready to take a turn for the better.
    Write the book! Write the book!
    And make a photo documentary…that would be awesome!

    • i managed to get off the futon for a few hours last night… coach made it home and we ran a couple of errands… and remember how i said he was supposed to help keep me motivated today? didn’t happen… he had his day of lounging… therefore i had another…at least some of the doom & gloom wasn’t hanging around my head…

      i’m contemplating on the book… how does one even begin a journey like that? ha! so overwhelming to think about…maybe my blog is a good jumping off point…

  5. Sorry things suck right now.

    I struggle with chronic illness as well. Several stupid things and some that is still undiagnosed. One that I fight a lot (or not fight) is depression. I hear what you are saying. You might be interested to read one of my posts about it just so you know you are not alone. http://misssrobin.blogspot.com/2010/01/depression.html

    I hope you feel better soon. Having lots of mental energy and no physical energy is so hard.

  6. Just stopping by to check on you. I think feeling that way is to be expected, you are going through a lot right now. Yes, show us some pictures you took with the new camera! I’m keeping you and Coach in my prayers. Hope you have a better day.

  7. Hang in there kiddo, it will get better…really.
    Why not go out and snap a few photos with that new camera of yours? Do something fun and don’t worry about the housework. Fun is a great motivator.
    Cheers,
    Karen

    • i hope it does get better soon! i tend to beat myself up when i get like this… and that CERTAINLY doesn’t help the situation… but i also realize this is part of the journey and i have to find some way to embrace it and be okay with it….

      thank you karen! your words are comforting šŸ™‚

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