Sep 112012

When my feet wouldn’t move that morning, I sort of lost grip with reality – well, not entirely. But for a few minutes I lost it… and then the increasing desperate urge to pee  whipped my ass right back to the present moment.

That morning my life changed dramatically. I won’t lie. I won’t say that chronic illness has made me stronger, wiser, or more compassionate. I won’t say that I’m happy for the changes forced upon my life. I won’t sugar-coat this damned new normal with such things. I just won’t.

I’m strong, but I was always strong – fiercely independent because I had to be. I’m happy because I choose to be. Not become some stupid chronic illness has made me do some amazing soul searching that led me to see that my prior life was dull and pointless.

It’s been one of the more cruel jokes the universe has played on me. Except that it’s not a joke. It’s very real. No matter how much I attempt to forget I’m afflicted, no matter how many times I stop what I’m doing to close my eyes and try to “reset” myself… it’s still here.

Now, two years later, it’s time to learn (or re-learn) some of life’s more precious lessons…pft. Who the hell knows what those lessons are? Not me. But I bet if I sit in front of this keyboard in the calm, lonely solitude that has become my life, I will be able to figure out what at least one or three of them are.

This ought to be an adventure….

Being an adult is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane.

  6 Responses to “Life’s Lessons”

  1. Right there with you, Pal!

  2. I can hear the anguish in your heart. I am so sorry. I know that feeling of this all being so undignified. There are so many losses. We lose our spirit and we lose our friends. There seems to be loss after loss after loss with the knowledge that another loss is on the way. Its cruel and its torture. The anguish in your voice makes me hurt for my friend deeply.

  3. I agree 100%. Indeed, people saying MS made them better persons is a pet peeve of mine. A couple years ago, I wrote about this and it got the most comments ever.

  4. Definitely hasn’t made me a better person, just has given me a hell of a lot more time to dwell on my imperfections since I am no longer working. lol Shit, good thing I have my creative distractions or I’d go mad.
    Stay inspired!

  5. Yay. Joining with Barbara. I haven’t been made a better person either. Or if I have I was a really sorry excuse for one before. And I am not grateful for the things MS has given me either. Not one bit.
    A friend of mine and I had a long standing joke between ourselves. In the media here when families/neighbours are interviewed after a murder they all say ‘I cannot understand it. He/she was such a nice person’ ‘No-one had a bad word to say about him/her’. We then decided that whatever does happen to us – we won’t be murdered.

  6. It is so refreshing to read that this bullshit disease has not made you a better person. When my mom was diagnosed with cancer and during the entire time she had it up until the day she died she was never “brave” or “courageous” or “fought a valiant fight” Whenever you read obituaries they always use those terms. Right until the end my mom hated cancer and it did not make her a better person. She was not brave, it scared her. She hated going for treatment and never felt glad to have it as it made her stronger. She never did accept that she had this disease with some wise thoughtful attitude. All she did was eventually give up because she knew the disease had won. I will never forget the look on her face when her Oncologist told her there was nothing more that could be done, that there were no more treatments. She looked at me and my dad with the most defeated look on her face and shrugged her shoulders with a “you win some, you lose some” look and then cried.
    I am tired of people thinking disease needs to make them a better person. Most of the time it slowly destroys and rapes your spirit and leaves you with not even your dignity.

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