Through this evil journey I’ve been on, I think I’ve lost myself. Me. I can’t find me. I know I’m here…physically I’m still me, with a few added pounds to take up space, but what I’m saying is physically I’m here, not lost. But my mind, my essence. I can’t find it. What happened? I don’t know what went wrong or how to find my way back to me. I’m not sad or depressed. Okay, I’m sad…but not in the way you think. I’m sad about how my life has changed… not my whole life, just the part of me that contributes to the world. I don’t contribute anymore. I just seem to breathe in the air and take up space. Logically, I know this isn’t true. I contribute. I am loved and I love. But you know what I mean, right? I don’t know how to explain it.
I have to find a purpose for me. Just me. I have other purposes, I know that. But I don’t have a purpose for me, that’s mine alone for me. I need that to find my essence I think. It’s all so elusive and I can’t find the words to really explain what I mean. I hate that. Not being able to find the words to say what I’m feeling/thinking. It’s all so confusing. I don’t know where this thinking is taking me but I think it all the time. All the time.
I’m fine. I promise.
I’m soul searching I guess. I used to have priorities, tasks, things… now I don’t. My priority now is making sure the clothes are washed and that dinner is ready. Those are good purposes but there should be more, right? Yes, there should be more. I need there to be more. I just don’t know what the more is.
I enjoy the things I dabble in… the photos, the drawing, the writing. But that is dabbling. And I truly enjoy it. I enjoy reading and movies and shows. I enjoy the library and cruising around Hobby Lobby. But what good is that doing? None. I used to help save lives. That was big. That was huge. That filled my soul. I don’t have that anymore. I haven’t figured out how to make the transition from big to not so big.
Coach is my whole world now. I love that… I really do. I love that I am able to do some of the things he was having to do. He took up my slack for two years and now he doesn’t have to do that as much. So that guilt is gone – only to be replaced by other guilt. And remorse.
There are 150 things here that I can do and love to do. That’s a lot of stuff to choose from each day. But I am lacking in motivation. I have to find a way to jump in…start a project. Once I start I’m good. It’s the starting part that I am having a hard time with. And that all comes back to the essence. If I can find my essence I will have my motivation again. I think. At least that’s how I think it will work. So I have to make a plan. I have to find me again.
It’s like a stupid cycle.
I need motivation to start, I need to find me to have motivation, I have to have motivation to find me. Shit.