Nov 152012

Through this evil journey I’ve been on, I think I’ve lost myself. Me. I can’t find me. I know I’m here…physically I’m still me, with a few added pounds to take up space, but what I’m saying is physically I’m here, not lost. But my mind, my essence. I can’t find it. What happened? I don’t know what went wrong or how to find my way back to me. I’m not sad or depressed. Okay, I’m sad…but not in the way you think. I’m sad about how my life has changed… not my whole life, just the part of me that contributes to the world. I don’t contribute anymore. I just seem to breathe in the air and take up space. Logically, I know this isn’t true. I contribute. I am loved and I love. But you know what I mean, right? I don’t know how to explain it.

I have to find a purpose for me. Just me. I have other purposes, I know that. But I don’t have a purpose for me, that’s mine alone for me. I need that to find my essence I think. It’s all so elusive and I can’t find the words to really explain what I mean. I hate that. Not being able to find the words to say what I’m feeling/thinking. It’s all so confusing. I don’t know where this thinking is taking me but I think it all the time. All the time.

I’m fine. I promise.

I’m soul searching I guess. I used to have priorities, tasks, things… now I don’t. My priority now is making sure the clothes are washed and that dinner is ready. Those are good purposes but there should be more, right? Yes, there should be more. I need there to be more. I just don’t know what the more is.

I enjoy the things I dabble in… the photos, the drawing, the writing. But that is dabbling. And I truly enjoy it. I enjoy reading and movies and shows. I enjoy the library and cruising around Hobby Lobby. But what good is that doing? None. I used to help save lives. That was big. That was huge. That filled my soul. I don’t have that anymore. I haven’t figured out how to make the transition from big to not so big.

Coach is my whole world now. I love that… I really do. I love that I am able to do some of the things he was having to do. He took up my slack for two years and now he doesn’t have to do that as much. So that guilt is gone – only to be replaced by other guilt. And remorse.

There are 150 things here that I can do and love to do. That’s a lot of stuff to choose from each day. But I am lacking in motivation. I have to find a way to jump in…start a project. Once I start I’m good. It’s the starting part that I am having a hard time with. And that all comes back to the essence. If I can find my essence I will have my motivation again. I think. At least that’s how I think it will work. So I have to make a plan. I have to find me again.

It’s like a stupid cycle.

I need motivation to start, I need to find me to have motivation, I have to have motivation to find me. Shit.

Being an adult is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane.

  13 Responses to “I’m Missing”

  1. Hi Sherry. These are some wonderful comments. I don’t know that I have any great wisdom to offer on top of all this, but I can add a hug… 🙂 I like what was said about not finding who you are or your self worth from what one DOES. We are who we are and we are of worth because of who we are; we are daughters of a king – children of God – and we are amazing! 😀 Always realize that you have something to offer to the rest of the world just by being YOU. Do what you love and do it well. Love with everything you have. What more is there? 🙂
    Corine 😀

  2. hugs from california…just remember, you will get through these feelings – you’re doing it while writing about them! btw, you are providing service to everyone who follows your blog, fyi… 😉
    have you looked up any local Meetup groups online to see if any look good? just a thought…at least while seeing if any look like a fit for you…you’re ‘doing’ something… 🙂 xo

  3. I’m late to the discussion but agree with others about reinventing yourself. I especially agree with your dad. Lucky you to have such a wise father.

  4. I agree with Muff in that society over focuses on the “we are what we do” thing. Gotta get past that. You also gotta DO something meaningful within your limitations, so I also like what Dad said – find something and get involved. Volunteer somewhere. Schools always need extra help. Tutor a child. I don’t know what, but start with something. It might not end up being your thing, but it will be a start and that will be an immense help.

    Good luck.
    P.S. I can’t stop thinking of putting a can in your toaster to open it. LOL

    • It’s so easy to get caught up in what we “do”… so easy. I agree with what everyone has said here. Dad hit it right on I think. And Muff did too… I will find something. Although the libraries activities are for kinder kids, maybe I can volunteer for reading hour or something. Tutoring is a great idea as well… I will have to look into that too.

      Oh the can opener/toaster… what in the world is happening to my mind? I thought putting the milk in the pantry was bad…. sheesh LOL

  5. Oh yes, I’ve been where you are now. When I had to give up my job, some of my hobbies and my former “me”, I questioned too. I have no answers either Sherri, but…I have found some joy in finding the “new” me. We have been taught from a very early age, that what defines who we are, is the sum total of what we “do”. We have been forced to think that if we are not “contributing” to society in a way that society accepts, we are nothing, usless. I beg to differ. I have looked deep within my soul, I have ignored society, and I have found peace and purpose in my life. I am what I am capable of being, it may not be what society deems as important or “normal”, but I really don’t give a rat’s arse about what others think. I let go of the expectations that others had of me, and have come to a place where I am totally comfortable (most of the time). I can’t really say how I got to where I am fully, other than to tell you…first you have to let “it” all go. Once you have left the guilt, regret, expectations etc, behind you, you are free to go forward. We all have but a short time in this life, it is up to you to choose how you will use it. Will you flounder around for years trying to understand what it’s all about? Or will choose to go with the flow and get the most out of what your life offers at every stage?

    • Karen you are so right. For so many years, I have defined my worth by the work I was doing. I think that’s what I mean when I feel like I’ve lost me. Now that I don’t have what defined me for so long, I have to find me again. And I will. I am enjoying so many of the things I’m doing now… all the art stuff that I had no energy or time for all these years. Coach tells me every day that I’m not a slug… I am contributing… he is happy. That makes me feel better about things. I have pretty much given up on trying to figure out what it’s all about. I know there is a purpose but I’m done thinking about that. This line of thinking is the beginning of finding who I am and building a new life around this new situation. I will get there. I have faith in that.

      Your words are very encouraging and I appreciate them, and you so very much. It’s nice to know others have been here and have moved through it. Some days I get scared that where I am now is it. Logically, I know that’s not true. But at times I get lost in it….

    • Mary B! How are you? I think of you and say prayers for you every day. You are on my rosary list. I know you are getting ready to start your round of “fun”… bless your heart. Hugs back to you!

  6. easy answer……go back to what gave you purpose and enjoyment. look at all the things that you are doing now
    ..none involve people.
    find a group to teach, community class, law enforcement, ms, photo classes, writing, computers, drawing, emergency management, you have so many talents that you should be sharing and teaching to others. you can do it! you can do it! you have so very much to offer

    that’s all from the peanut gallery (for now)

    love you

    • You are right, Dad. Most all the time you are 🙂

      I need to do something.. I miss teaching, I miss sharing knowledge. I think helping others is what keeps me ticking. I’m searching for something in the community. I’m working towards finding something I can do that contributes to what I know & love.

      Thank you Dad,
      I Love you!

  7. I know what you’re saying — really, I do. I think we often associate who WE ARE with what we DO. When we’re no longer able to DO (for you the saving of lives, for me the teaching) we get down on ourselves and start to feel useless. (Note — I didn’t say worthless.) I’m in a better position in that I didn’t have to go through a major move, and I’m surrounded by family and friends. I don’t have answers — just empathy!

    • There is a huge difference between useless and worthless. There are times when I get to feeling worthless… like a slug with no meaning or purpose. But that passes pretty quickly. But useless… that tends to hang around a bit longer. You mention the big move… I think that has a lot to do with it. I’m missing family & friends. I’m making new friends but it’s hard when I’m at home… I’m not out there in the world mixing it up… Things will get better. I know they will. I’m enjoying most things about my new life. I just have some work to do on goals, priorities, and activities that fulfill me. I’ll find them…

      Thank you!

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