Nov 162010
 

>i find myself in this awful place….

a place of not caring.

don’t misunderstand… i love… i just don’t care.

i’ve alluded to this a few times in previous posts but here it is. really, truthfully, honestly.

i realize this is a transition… i’m on my path to acceptance. but let me tell you…. i HATE this part of the path. i know i have to go through it, i have to feel it… i have to deal with it. i don’t know how to do that. do i just let it be knowing it will end? do i confront it? do i force myself to care? that seems impossible.

i’m not talking about people… i’m not referring to not caring about those i love, those who are important to me… this is something different. let me see if i can give some examples…

i don’t care what i eat.
i don’t care what i wear.
i don’t care if there is 2 weeks worth of dishes staring at me from the sink, counters, and everywhere else.
i don’t care if i sweep all 300 square feet, or even one tile of the tin can.
i don’t care if my plants are dying because i couldn’t bring myself to water them.
i don’t care if my car is dirty.
i don’t care if i fail to turn in an assignment this week for school.
i don’t care what’s on tv or the radio.

i have let so many things go. even my blog. i LOVE to write. but i just haven’t been able to. i can’t focus my mind. i can’t think in the same way right now.

i’m not depressed (or at least i don’t think i am). i get up, bathe, eat, get dressed, show up to work on time… i do all the things i’m supposed to do. i laugh. i weep. i feel all the same things.

i just don’t care.

i know this doesn’t make much sense. it doesn’t make sense to me. i just want it to stop.

my logical mind keeps telling me that i have to slow down, that it’s alright to not care. the things i don’t care about are not going to make or break me, they are not going to end my life, they are still all going to be there when i start caring again. but this just isn’t me.

so here i am…sitting… patiently waiting for the next thing… waiting to see what the next emotion, feeling, thought is going to be… i know it’s going to be something… i know i haven’t gone through all the phases of this journey yet… i know it’s not time to come out on the other side… but dammit… i wish it would hurry… i wish my heart and mind would hurry! i feel like time is going by without me… i’m missing out… and by golly, the holidays are coming and i don’t want to be in this not caring frame of mind!!

Being an adult is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane.

  7 Responses to “>i just don’t care”

  1. >I will talk to my doc… I have an appointment next week… I'm trying to overcome without yet another medication… but if I can't I will certainly accept meds. I don't want to be that person who can't function and is hurting from depression…

  2. >Hi Muff,Thanks for your words. I think it is a form of depression too but I'm working hard to overcome without the meds. I hate thinking of taking so many meds so soon… I'm only starting out on this journey and I already feel like a walking pharmaceutical! I have never really taken any meds, nothing more than aspirin or ibuprofen…until now. Ugh!I have to say that I am feeling much better this week. I continue to monitor my feelings, emotions, and daily activities. I document everything day to day…. and Coach is watching too. If it gets worse instead of better I will certainly ask for help… I have a neuro appointment on December 1st… that's my goal date on this depression thing….and I will mention it to my doc either way…

  3. >thanks Amy… sometimes that's the best… hugs with no words are very comforting…

  4. >as always Karen, your words really do help me. i joined the patients like me website a few days ago. and shared solutions had a peer counselor call me today. you are right – it does help to talk to others in the same boat. i'm not on any real meds yet… and the one med i am taking isn't affecting me in a depressive way. it actually has allowed me to focus more than i was before starting it. i figure this is a part of adjusting to the "new" me… a process of grieving what i assumed would be my life, living it in a certain manner… that has now been altered and will continue to be altered … i have been trying to view it as a challenge (which it is).. and with some humor as well… at least it won't ever get boring right? i know one thing that is really being driven home – i am really being driven to prioritize things… and to recognize the things i truly cherish and value… the good things..the ones to be truly grateful for…

  5. >i won't let it get out of hand… i keep trudging through… and if it gets to the point of not being able to trudge, i will definitely go for help… i just really think it will pass on to the next phase of my grieving or mourning or whatever it is… acceptance is just around the corner… i just know it is!

  6. >i do care… i care enough that this is all driving me crazy ha! i sit here looking around at the mess in my home and get so aggravated…but apparently not enough to get up off my ass and do something about it … this too shall pass… i have confidence it will…

  7. >i figure i'm somewhat depressed… i don't think it's gotten to the point of medication and serious help yet… i think it's a pretty normal phase right now… but i am keeping tabs on it and watching the calendar… i plan to contact my doc if it's not better soon… and no forgiveness required… thank you for your insight…it's really appreciated

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