>i find myself in this awful place….
a place of not caring.
don’t misunderstand… i love… i just don’t care.
i’ve alluded to this a few times in previous posts but here it is. really, truthfully, honestly.
i realize this is a transition… i’m on my path to acceptance. but let me tell you…. i HATE this part of the path. i know i have to go through it, i have to feel it… i have to deal with it. i don’t know how to do that. do i just let it be knowing it will end? do i confront it? do i force myself to care? that seems impossible.
i’m not talking about people… i’m not referring to not caring about those i love, those who are important to me… this is something different. let me see if i can give some examples…
i don’t care what i eat.
i don’t care what i wear.
i don’t care if there is 2 weeks worth of dishes staring at me from the sink, counters, and everywhere else.
i don’t care if i sweep all 300 square feet, or even one tile of the tin can.
i don’t care if my plants are dying because i couldn’t bring myself to water them.
i don’t care if my car is dirty.
i don’t care if i fail to turn in an assignment this week for school.
i don’t care what’s on tv or the radio.
i have let so many things go. even my blog. i LOVE to write. but i just haven’t been able to. i can’t focus my mind. i can’t think in the same way right now.
i’m not depressed (or at least i don’t think i am). i get up, bathe, eat, get dressed, show up to work on time… i do all the things i’m supposed to do. i laugh. i weep. i feel all the same things.
i just don’t care.
i know this doesn’t make much sense. it doesn’t make sense to me. i just want it to stop.
my logical mind keeps telling me that i have to slow down, that it’s alright to not care. the things i don’t care about are not going to make or break me, they are not going to end my life, they are still all going to be there when i start caring again. but this just isn’t me.
so here i am…sitting… patiently waiting for the next thing… waiting to see what the next emotion, feeling, thought is going to be… i know it’s going to be something… i know i haven’t gone through all the phases of this journey yet… i know it’s not time to come out on the other side… but dammit… i wish it would hurry… i wish my heart and mind would hurry! i feel like time is going by without me… i’m missing out… and by golly, the holidays are coming and i don’t want to be in this not caring frame of mind!!