as i sit here, it doesn’t seem like anything is wrong with me at all. i feel fine. well except for the slight tingly feeling in my arms & legs. but my mind tells me i’m fine. it tells me that i’ve been a big wuss and that i’m over exaggerating the symptoms. then i get up to walk to get a cup of coffee. and my legs don’t go right. and it hits me all over again.
i went and bought a cane yesterday. yippee for me. it’s a temporary cane. no, i don’t mean i can get rid of it soon. i mean it’s temporary because it’s an ugly, generic cane. you know me… i MUST have the cool cane, pretty – one that matches me. it must have some uniqueness to it. it has to be different, like me.
Coach and I are still trying to wrap our minds around what’s going on. it hit him hard yesterday. hard. i knew it would. but we made it through the day. i know that monday when i go for more tests and start to develop a treatment plan that it will hit us again. and hard. it’s just so much. it’s so permanent.
i want so badly not to participate in my own pity party. i don’t want to feel bad for me. i don’t want to keep asking why me. i don’t want to make it the center of my world. but right now it is. right now i feel bad for me. right now i can’t think of anything else.
last night there was no football game. we had a thursday night game this week – we won by the way! kicked some butt as a matter of fact! anyhow, last night the coaches went to scout a team they are playing next week. that is a coaching thing…. but last night i was included. coach took me with him. something about leaving me alone is not acceptable right now. good. i didn’t really want to be left alone with my thoughts last night.
so going to this other game was my first adventure into the big world with my new cane. i feel like such a spazzy geek. ha! we had to walk up at least 6, 583 stairs… that was fun. i made it and i was cute – up two steps, stop, pick up the leg and it hangs in the air, ah finally going down on the next step. i just laugh at myself. i’m sure it was quite a site.
i only had a couple of incidents of frustration… one at walmart…i was walking to my car and i guess i wasn’t going fast enough for a car that came upon me. the driver rolled eyes and showed signs of impatience. sorry. and second time was at the game…going down the stairs a little girl darted out in front of me… almost knocking me over and sending me down those 6, 583 stairs. and her parents said nothing to her. the little girl didn’t even notice me. guess i will need to get used to these sort of things…. people don’t care… i will be an inconvenience for many i’m sure…
so today is a laundry day. i will be tackling that project while coach is breaking down film with the other coaches. we do laundry at the school in the training room…. tomorrow i’m working in brenham and then attending a birthday party for my youngest grandgirl. it will be the first time around my family… they will see it for the first time. and i’m sure it will be emotional.