>i’m not so big on the whole new year thing…. i’m more of a new day kinda gal… especially now….
in this past week i have decided somethings and although i just made the above statement, now seems like a good time to put this out there…
mom was sick.
dad was sick.
i am sick.
i was thinking about the past 12 months trying to come up with something positive that happened…some big event that was a positive, never to be forgotten event…. there wasn’t one major defining thing… all the major defining things of the year were negative.
there were many good days, good moments, memorable moments… and i’m oh so grateful for those.
mom came through her medical situation and is better than i can remember in a very long time.
dad came through his medical situation and is on the mend…. he will be feeling good in no time.
i have 3 of the most precious grandgirls a granny could want. they are loving, smart, kind, and so special to me.
i have a daughter like no other. she is beautiful, intelligent, loving, and has become a great friend as she has grown into a woman.
i have a son-in-law that loves my daughter and cares for her – which was my dream and hope for her.
i have an extended family (all the steps) that love me, support me, and pray for me.
i have friends that love me, check on me, pray for me, and think of me in ways that are so kind. i would never have thought i would have such support from friends.
i have a few new friends that are simply amazing. there are no words. my heart is full and warm and fuzzy.
i love this man with all that i am. he is my rock. he does things for me that are loving and special. he has taken on quite a load with me…much more than he imagined… and he is here for the long haul. he has proven to be a man in all the ways a woman could hope for.
i have been independent for so many years… and now that independence is compromised…hell… it’s been altered in ways that just kill me…. to sit here on the couch and do nothing but watch as coach cooks, cleans (even the toilet), does any number of tasks around the home…. it is so hard for me to do. i feel such guilt and remorse…. i know that i shouldn’t…but i do. i cannot describe how hard it is to sit here on my ass and watch others do things for me…. and it’s done happily while i sit here like a bump….
one of the things coach loves about me is my personality…my humor…my sarcasm. i have lost those things in the past two weeks… i know they will return…but in the meantime i can’t imagine that i’m much fun to be around… and i regret that…. i’m not myself right now… and i don’t like it.
for the future…..
my hope for the coming year…i will recognize the good moments….i will notice those moments when i feel good – right now there aren’t many of them but i will notice them when i have them… i will find a daily routine that works for me so that i can have more moments that feel good…. i refuse to become depressed….i will do my best to not be sad…. i will do my best to be grateful…. i will remember that things could be so much worse than they are….
and i will enjoy today. i will enjoy right now. because with this MS crap i don’t know what tomorrow will be for me…. so today…. this moment…right now… notice the things that feel good, relish them. so my face hurts like hell, but i am walking okay today. so my head aches a bit, but my fingers are working. so my lips are numb, but i am thinking clearly.
i am grateful. i am loved. i am blessed. i am this new life.