Oct 102012

Sometimes I find myself reading blogs of a very tragic nature. I just finished reading the journey of a 3 year old boy with neuroblastoma. His mother blogged daily about what he was going through with her thoughts and feelings on it all. I cried for 3 days reading this stuff. The little boy died last May. It’s old news. I don’t know why I put myself through the heartache of reading things like that. One might think I would be better off reading more uplifting stories, humor, mystery, and anything other than tragedy & devastation. I have been thinking a lot about this today. I’ve come to the conclusion that I read this stuff in order to make myself feel better about my own situation. That’s just plain weird, isn’t it? I have to stop doing it. I don’t end up depressed or anything when I’m done with the stories but during the time, I’m just bawling my ass off. I suppose it’s all a reminder that my beast isn’t as bad as my mind tends to believe it is. Things could be worse.

I am feeling a great deal of relief today. I had an appointment with the disability lawyer yesterday and signed the contracts for their services. Such a weight has been lifted off my shoulders – I don’t have to think about it so much now. They can do all the thinking, leg work, and stress over it all. I can just be where they say to be, do what they say to do, and wait. The one thing that is really bringing me relief is the fact that they work on contingency. In my mind, this means they wouldn’t take my case if they didn’t think they could win. If they signed up every case they came across that would be bad business. The lawyer pretty much confirmed this idea for me. So now it’s just a matter of time. How many rejections/appeals will I have to go through? Hopefully it won’t be many as my creditors are becoming a bit antsy. Such is life.

On the MS front, I’m not recovering as quickly as I would like. I don’t know if recovering is the proper word or not. I have some new things going on in this vessel o’mine and I am exhausted most all the time. I am sleeping more than ever these days … I don’t like that much. In my mind, life is to be lived wide awake, not sleeping. But I will continue to follow my body’s lead even though my heart & mind don’t agree with the program. I can only hope that I start to feel better again soon. Wait, I don’t really feel bad… just the fatigue…well you know… okay, most of you know. Those of you who are healthy & lucky enough to not be suffering from some affliction that causes fatigue syndrome, count your stars. You won’t ever know what this level of fatigue is like. It’s not like being tired. Not even close. It’s more the inability to think, move, process, live… the only thing you can do when it’s here is sleep or be a slug lying around.

My body hurts. My head hurts. My soul hurts.

But tomorrow is another day and I’m hoping a better one.


*I’m okay. I really am. Just a bit of venting going on here. Please don’t worry about me. I promise I’m fine… all things considered.

Taken in the San Francisco Bay

Being an adult is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane.

  8 Responses to “Do you read other people’s tragedies?”

  1. Don’t even think about clicking on my blog the last few weeks. Debbie Downer for sure. Get better gal, I need a hug someday!!
    PS: Shave first, please.

    • Everytime I shave I think of you (is that an honor or what?) haha

      And actually, I have quite enjoyed reading your blog and following the updates on the Care Pages. Your cousin is making such wonderful progress. I can’t wait to see each day how he’s doing. The human body is an amazing thing! I am looking forward to read about his progress when he gets to TIRR. He’s going to rock I’m sure!

      For those of you reading this that don’t know what’s going on – Wendell’s cousin is a copper over in Houston, He was in a horrible accident while on duty that left him paralyzed. He has been on an incredible journey of healing and from what I’ve been reading, each day brings small improvements. Say a prayer for him!

  2. Hi honey! Well, I too notice people who are way worse off than me and make a mental note. Especially, when I see a child having to use a walker….really, it makes me pick up my heart and soldier on.
    Prayers for you to feel better…I am really trying to stay off sugar to keep my energy up, I am also off my day time meds!!! Crossing fingers to stay that way! I am cruising for a new picture from you to highlight on my blog!!!! xoxo

  3. Sending so many good wishes your way. And I am at the end of your keyboard if ever you want to vent.
    I also read tragedies. I also weep. And I also justify it by telling myself that it is a way of becoming less sellf-centred. It works for me.
    Re fatigue? We need to find another word. Tired/fatigued/exhausted just don’t cut it because they imply we could have a rest and feel better. I wish. You wish. Anyone with MS wishes.

  4. You better be ol girl

  5. I think sometimes we become numb to our own pain. Not that we don’t feel it, but we steel ourselves not to react. Not to give in to tears or expressions of sorrow. The need to press on, the fear of judgement–that we’ll be accused of whining, the fear of simply being afraid–we suppress our anguish for good and necessary reasons as well as for poor reasons. But when we cry for the sorrows of others, especially far removed from our daily life, we can release those pent up feelings, let them loose, and then move on. Up to a point, I think it is a good thing. We come away with both empathy and a much-needed release of buried pain.

    • What great insight! I hadn’t thought of it in those terms but you know, you are absolutely right. I know that I stuff my feelings. I know that when people ask how I am I give the generic “I’m fine” answer… I don’t think most people REALLY want to know. And of course, I don’t want to be considered whining or feeling sorry for myself.

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