May 092013
 

…We need to have a conversation. No, that’s not correct. I need to talk to you.

I don’t understand why it is that the best people end up in the worst of circumstances. This crap about life’s lessons, or what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, or You won’t give us anything we can’t handle… well, that stuff isn’t cutting it for me right now.

I know You have a plan. I know You are calling the shots here. But I have a complaint to file with You. It seems to me that in the past several years, my family has had so many burdens… so many hurdles and hardships. I don’t understand that. I realize that we are not Your only children, nor are we any more special than the others. But my word. How much can one family take and continue to live with joy & peace in our hearts?

Please don’t get me wrong… I’m not mad at You. Yes, I am mad. I am so angry that I can’t think straight. I am so mad that I want to vomit. I am so mad that my eyes and heart are burning. You know the cause. I want to move past my anger. I want to forgive and I want to understand. Anger is petty. Especially now. You must help me move past it. Please take this burning from me. Please.

My tears are of anger mixed with sadness and fear. But mostly they are borne of anger.

I feel weak in my soul.

I feel weak in my heart.

Please help me God.

Being an adult is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane.

  7 Responses to “Dear God…”

  1. Once again you have written my heart and soul. The fire of anger, hurt and just plain WTF is a constant burning deep within. No one is gonna like what I say now but I have come to the conclusion that, at least for me, there is no One to write to, no One to rant at, no One who makes a plan of life lessons, that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and whatever else all those platitudes are that encompass all of that illusion we all are taught, through whatever tradition, to cling to.
    I don’t believe there is an answer or anyone up there who listens. It’s just us and our suffering. I have come to believe that it is only the love and kindness of decent, caring people who are close to us, who cherish us through all our darkest moments, days, heartbeats, that keep us sane and give us some reason to be in whatever this life is for us. Why some of us have these sweet souls in our lives and some of us don’t, well that’s another mystery to me.
    It’s a big crap shoot this thing we are born into called life.
    But you did good to write that anger out, pour it out, vomit it out, spit it out. We have a right to be angry, to be ragefull at the nightmare shit life throws on us.
    I’m sending you lots of love and energy to boost your courage** and lots of energy to shout it out loud high to the mountain tops.

    ***I’m wondering what this thing called courage really is, it’s endurance. endurance, the ability to endure. Is it?

  2. Girl, you did the right thing. Just lay it out before him. You already know it’s his call.

  3. God has big and broad shoulders. He doesn’t mind that you are raging. in fact, I bet God delights in your true feelings being brought into the light.

    And no. Pain in life does not make sense. I do believe God can give us more than we can handle. If that were true there would be no suicides.

  4. Thank you Sue! And you are so right…

  5. Oh Sherri. I am so sorry. I know the theory is that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger – but I don’t think that you (or I) ever wanted to be the circus strong woman.
    Sending hugs.

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