Mar 122012
 

hope…. never lose hope… i have MS so i can’t totally relate to the caregiver side of the equation…… coach is a trooper and is always there to help me, to do whatever task i’m not up to doing or simply can’t do… but i know that he has feelings about that… and i know that at some point it’s going to become completely overwhelming for him… annoying… frustrating…tiresome…bothersome….

and then there is me…. oh the guilt… the frustration… i HATE the feeling of be so dependent… and i’m still mobile, still working… pushing through most of the time… i complain little and refuse to ask for help… that is my downfall… but the guilt just eats me alive…. but brace yourselves, i’m getting ready to complain….

this most recent relapse… yeah the big bitch that’s staring me in the face right now…. man… my mind is working… my emotions are working….i’m not sad or weepy… i’m just thinking a lot.. i guess big change does that to anyone, disease or not.

i sit here and think of all the things i want to do… i should do them now… that’s what my mind is telling me… don’t wait….

my progression is progressing…. still… not peaking yet, still climbing… the steroids got my swallow back and since that is sort of a mission critical function, well, i’m glad i played along… but the other stuff is still going on….

double vision is the newest guest to join this party… oh the fun in that… i keep telling myself that it’s a side effect of the steroids…coming down…. crashing… but i haven’t crashed really. the shit i’m feeling seems more like MS to me than withdrawals….

and my ass…. it looks like a piece of corrugated cardboard… i’m not kidding you guys… absolutely that is what it looks like… and it’s rippling… it’s moving! i’ve had the most horrid pain in my ass and hips the past few days…. deep, horrible…. i’m managing it… no meds… i’m a rebel like that… but let me tell you…. last night i decided to massage the ass…. (get your mind outta the gutter… a girl’s allowed to massage her own butt) as i reached around to start rubbing the kinks out of the gluteus maximus i felt the oddest thing… a big HUGE DENT in my butt… running up and down… length wise… it was as if someone had gone and built a big arse ditch down the middle of my ass cheek…

so i have 3… count ’em…3 definitive lines dividing my butt into thirds….

on either side of the dent the muscles are hard as granite…. buns o steel? and as the cramps ripple and release and tighten and ripple and release…. the dent moves…. to the left a bit, then maybe back to the right a bit…. unbelievable…. i think i need to paint my ass with some acrylic and sit on a poster board… we need an impression of this marvel….really…

so basically, i’m not driving anywhere… coach is doing all the driving, running in and out of the little stores, getting my drink, picking up my cane, pulling me up out of chairs… what a pain…. i was scheduled to teach a class tomorrow… not happening… i had to cancel…. and THAT is killing me…. killing me…

thankfully we are off work for spring break… ah the perks of working for a school district…. but…. what is going to happen on monday when it’s time to go back to work if i still can’t see, or drive, or maneuver my corrugated ass where it needs to be? i’m scared… i’m nervous… i’m worried….

and i can’t taste my food…..

Being an adult is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane.

  16 Responses to “corrugated butt cheeks”

  1. Sorry to hear about this recent relapse. Thinking of you! Best, Christie

  2. As for the vision can relate, hope yours gets better. Also got the butt cheeks, along with 25lbs think all of it went to my butt cheeks. May help to worry only about the things you are within your ability control.

    • you are right… doesn’t do much to worry or stress over the things that ARE…. i do my best to just accept and move forward… or sideways or backwards lol

      my butt is much better today.. the pain is about 1/4 of what it was yesterday… yes! progress!

      i am lucky that i only gained about 2 lbs… so far… isn’t funny though… i have spent a lifetime worrying about my weight… a lifetime.. i have spent some much time and energy worrying about how round my tummy or ass might be… and now, in the grand scheme of things… really not so important

  3. I am glad that randy loves corrugated butt checks – I have not had that – then again maybe I have and well just never looked? I dunno about all the steroids stuff. I do know that vision going wonky is one of the scary things. I have the ON and my left eye never did come back all the way. My right eye once in a while does this strange sort of like double vision thing sometimes. I freak till it goes away.

    I do the pain thing a lot. Just it is what it is for me. When I can not stand it anymore I break down and take somethings to take the edge off it. Strange cause some of it is nerve pain and then some of it is best I can figure from my tight muscles making my body move in strange ways. So add muscle soreness to the equations. Then this makes my vertebrae move about and . … oh yeah. Meds take the edge off but it never really goes away until – it goes away.

    for goodness sakes don’t sit there and suffer needlessly. I too am stubborn but if I can kill the pain I do it now because sometimes there are times when I can not. Most likely your double vision will go away. Wait a bit for that K?

    But a corrugated arse? Ummm LOL

    • i’m sure hoping the vision clears up… i’m hanging out and waiting… i was going to hit the eye doctor this morning but canceled… i thought that i should wait to let it all settle before going for a new prescription… so….

      the pain… such a revealing sort of thing… really takes you to the center of your soul at times doesn’t it? sort of a journey of self discovery… i have learned that i’m much stronger than i ever gave myself credit for…

      and like you, i think that a lot of this pain is muscle pain… my body trying to find other ways to work so using different muscle groups or moving joints in odd ways lol what a site!

  4. Pictures or the butt please. I don’t believe you with out proof.
    giggle

  5. So many of the manifestations of the dread disease take it to Sucksville City. I get spasms which lock my bladder tight so I can pee two teaspoons worth at a time. And ten minutes later I need to pee again. Sigh.

    And yes the double vision caper is right up there for awful ones. Mostly I can swim the pain to manageable levels. Mostly. A very minor symptom which gives me the horrors is the feeling that a spider is walking across my face. No pain, just gross.

    Hope the steroids keep on coming. Hugs.

    • oh i can’t wait to get back in the pool! finally in a few weeks it might be warm enough to do that…. i’m doing really well with meditation when dealing with the pain… i feel so much better doing that than taking all the narcotics…. all those drugs make me feel so toxic somehow…

      oh the bladder spasms… ugh… i have those sometimes but not something i have to deal with daily… i think it’s the worst when i have a cold or am stressed out

      vision…eww.. it’s got me all jacked up… although so far today i think it might be a little bit better…. maybe lol

  6. Sherri, this sounds absolutely awful. You need to take something for the spasms. You must – this suffering is optional. Now, the double vision, this will surely pass, but there’s no predicting when.
    I think you should call in sick tomorrow and call the doctor with an update. You might need more steroids. As I said, three days didn’t usually work for me – but we’re all different on that front. Just like I have optic neuritis, but not double vision.
    ^
    ~~~

    • somehow i think it sounds worse than it is… either that or i’m in a big valley of denial lol i do have some muscle relaxers but they tend to relax things that i don’t really want relaxed (i.e. the bladder)….

      i’m truly hoping the vision improves… i think it is actually bothering me more than the pain…. i have such a high pain threshold so it’s not unbearable, just really uncomfortable….

      thankfully i’m off work until next week – except for the classes i’m supposed to be teaching for job #2…. i have been in good contact with my neuro so he’s aware of what is happening… i’m probably a huge pest for him but he doesn’t mind… he’s so very patient and tolerant…

      the steroids did manage to fix what the original complaints were so i’m really hoping all this other junk is a by-product of the steroid treatments…. eek!

  7. Oh, I am so sorry that you’re fighting the beast. I hope things get better soon.

  8. Gotta love a corrugated butt cheek

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