The past few years have been daunting to say the least. Well, maybe I can narrow that down to just the past year. And I should narrow that even more to the past 6 months. But most of it is old news that I’m not going to re-hash here (although I love hash… most especially Mary’s Kitchen corned beef variety with those cute little bitty square potatoes in it… fried crispy with a spot of cheddar melted on top slathered over an everything bagel… oh my).
I continue to miss my mom every single day. I talk to her (out loud like a wackadoodle) and sometimes she answers me. I write to her, sing to her, and just about anything else that keeps her vivid in my mind (I wear her perfume, her bracelets… I have her crosses hanging on my wall. I watch her shows, even stupid basketball from time to time). The insanity of it all keeps me a bit saner.
My father is doing exceptionally well. (HI DAD!) By all accounts, with the type of mets he has, he shouldn’t be with us right now. But he is plugging right along with little progression thus far. In fact, he’s doing so well they had to re-up his hospice agreement. I can’t believe I just wrote those words. The irony. Doing so good he can re-enlist in end of life care. He continues to work… albeit his days are a little shorter and he naps a bit more. (LOVE YOU DAD!)
So, coming back to me….
Somewhere over the past year, or 5, I’ve sort of lost me. The essence of me. I think it started with the MS dx. I sort of became this other person that revolved around being sick. But I’m not sick. Not really. I have this thing but I wouldn’t call it sick. Altered maybe. Different for sure. But not sick.
And being whatever I was started the cascade of losing me.
Life changes, major ones, in the past 5 years also contributed. Chronic illness, new man (and marriage – no regrets, wouldn’t change it one little bit), relocation and job changes, relocation and more job changes, illness, death, and finally back to me. I’ve tried to find the cycle… the phases, stages, circles, and sidewalks that connect it all… but so far no luck.
Anyhoo, in just the past week or so it has dawned on me how incredibly blessed I am. I mean, I’ve known that all along, deep inside. But something woke up. Something slapped me on my chubby and wrinkled up cheeks and left a hot stinging WAKE UP print on me.
So I went out and cut my hair, and got some new fancy foil highlights. I got back on the right track with food. I have a bit more pep in my step and bit more resolve in the bottom of my cuppa joe. I’m reading more. I’m walking more. I’m enjoying this new home I’ve created for Coach & I (and it’s wonderful Boho decor I’m drowning us in).
I don’t know where it came from.
I just don’t know….
Some sort of validation or vindication running through my days? Not that I’m aware of. A triggering event or word or glance? Not that I’m aware of.
But something clicked.
And I’m grateful.