Nov 172010

yesterday i wrote about not caring… and it really did me some good to put it out there for all the world to see. i have some amazing feedback and caring going on… thank you all! it is absolutely mind-blowing to me that there are so many people out there who care enough to comment and give me their concerns… and then there are those who pick up the phone and call me… check in with me…send me text messages… i have made some really incredible friends here… it has truly restored my faith in mankind a bit… when someone that i’ve never met checks in with me daily, scratch that… she checks in with me multiple times a day… well that is just beyond my wildest thoughts. i have real life friends, life long friends who don’t even check on me once a month. i love them and they will forever be my friends… i don’t know… i’m rambling…trying to pay some gratitude here… i’m just overwhelmed with the kindness, caring, thoughts, concern, love…


so as i was saying, putting it out there yesterday has really helped me. i’ve always known that at least for me, saying something out loud makes it more real… and by making something more real, well i can begin to actually deal with it…pick it apart…make a game plan…

i had an epiphany (ooo big word) today… really, i did! i love those little moments of clarity… they send tingles down my spine – and NO it’s not the MS…. those moments in a day that everything just absolutely makes perfect sense… and nothing makes sense…and there’s this utter calmness that envelopes me… and the tingles… i don’t know how to explain it… the buddhists call it satori... a moment of clarity… i have had a few of these moments over the years – i wish i could figure out how to make them last longer… i find that i cling to those moments… they are just such peaceful times!

anyhow…my epiphany of today… well, it came out my not caring… as i have been praying, thinking, picking apart my mind, meditating, analyzing… the moment of clarity came… and here it is… i can lump whole periods of time together and label them as one feeling or experience. but is that fair to the day? nope… there are many moments and many experiences every single day… how many different thoughts and feelings do you experience in a single day? millions i bet.

what is absolutely clear to me is that i have to define the day in moments, experiences…individually. my moment of clarity came a few minutes ago… i arrived home from work and was sitting on the porch with the pooch….. she is a slut bucket. she must be belly rubbed at all times… she flops over…i don’t know if she knows what the world looks like right side up because she spends so much time upside down…

i digress….

don’t laugh as i try to explain this… and i have had no pot or alcohol!… as i was petting the slut bucket’s belly… i noticed my hand… it was slowly rubbing along her throat and chest… my fingers could feel her fur… my hands could feel the air… sure they are tingly and all MS’y but they work… and the slut bucket was getting such pleasure out of the moment… i watched my hand moving… and at that moment i realized..this is a good moment… i do care… it is important… i feel pretty good… i’m walking, talking, breathing… this moment is nice… not too hot, not too cold… i have a good home, a good loving man, a wonderful and super supportive family… i have a job (not that i like it much) and earn some income… there is medicine out there to help me…

so out of all this new age goofiness – don’t be rolling your eyes! – what i have decided is that i’m going to slow down and appreciate all the good moments…the ones that i feel good, and the ones that i cause happiness or peace for another.. the ones where things are right, if only for that moment….

Being an adult is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane.

  7 Responses to “clarity”

  1. >Thank you, I need to remember this. I need to not base my day on one bad moment. Cause there are usually a lot of good ones in there too.

  2. >i used to live in the moment always… i learned it and practiced it…and practiced it some more. with all that has happened i had forgotten to live in the moment…. i was so focused on what the future holds…. i need to put sticky notes all around me telling me to live now!

  3. >ha! i think of you each time that word crosses my mind…. it's such a good word…. i'm learning, i'm getting there…. all in good time i suppose 😉

  4. Thank you for sharing this. Living in that moment, noticing all that was good, was powerful. That’s so hard to do. It’s hard not to look forward or dwell on the past. You were completely present. Everything was centered around that moment and the joy you were experiencing in it.

    Thank you for the reminder. I’m going to work on seeing more moments.

    • i used to live in the moment always… i learned it and practiced it…and practiced it some more.
      with all that has happened i had forgotten to live in the moment…. i was so focused on what the future holds….

      i need to put sticky notes all around me telling me to live now!

  5. I love the word epiphany. If it wasn’t a shame I’d name my kid that. That being said, isn’t it wonderful when you get the kind of peace that passes all understanding? That’s a scripture somewhere but I’m too lazy to look for it right now. So glad you are learning how to take the good and the bad. Love ya!

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