my messy mind

hope…. never lose hope… i have MS so i can’t totally relate to the caregiver side of the equation…… coach is a trooper and is always there to help me, to do whatever task i’m not up to doing or simply can’t do… but i know that he has feelings about that… and i know that at some point it’s going to become completely overwhelming for him… annoying… frustrating…tiresome…bothersome…. and then there is me…. oh the guilt… the frustration… i HATE the feeling of be so dependent… and i’m still mobile, still working… pushing through most of the time… i

…. new damage…. thoracic region…. only news i got was that the results are abnormal…. an appointment was made for a discussion…. great… me thinks some decisions are in my immediate future…. fabulous ok, so it is what it is chin up…. we knew this was coming sooner or later right? right…. i will once again figure a way to wrap my head around this and continue to trudge forward just as i have for the past 18 months…. yep…. i will not much else has changed but for some new buzzing, twitching, a bout of pain here and there…

i find it hard to believe that i’ve been at this blogging thing for 3 years or so… that is an incredibly long time when i never really thought i’d stick to it… in the beginning it was a whim… something to do here and there… i’ve always written (pen & ink) so i guess the blog thing has actually been a good thing – since it’s hard to do pen & ink for any length of time (frackin MS cramps & shit) thanks for sticking with me you guys i read an article yesterday, maybe it was a day

after the longest few minutes she could remember in a long time, she finally just floored it… leaving the driveway and the monster behind…. in her mind, somewhere in the abyss, she knew this was the last load… it wasn’t everything… there was no way she could have gotten all the precious things of her life… but she had the most precious thing… her child…and her safety. there were so many things left behind… she thought maybe she could go back in a few days, with a truck and some help, and get the rest of her things… her clothes,

as she went back in for the last load of her stuff… well, the last of the stuff she could manage to get in her car… she felt such a sadness. yes, this is what she wanted (and needed) but even so, it was an ending… a failure… the end of a chapter. such a short chapter in her life… how could she have let this happen? so young, so abused, a child on her hip… and leaving. she had planned this moment for a year. she knew it was coming. and she thought she was completely prepared for it.