-I watched the X Factor last night… there are some folks on there from back home. How fun! They really are quite good. Their family was in charge of the music at church… the whole family is into music.
-Coach has been coming home pretty early the past few days. By early what I mean to say is that there is still a little hint of daylight left in the sky when he pulls into the driveway. It’s been nice. We actually sit down and eat dinner together.
-Football tonight – Thursday Night Lights.
-My lip is numb again. The last time it was numb was due to that lovely, painful thing known as trigeminal neuralgia. At least I haven’t had that pain in several months. It’s weird that the numbness has returned. When the TN kicked my ass last time, the residual numbness lasted for just over six months. It’s that kind of numb that is normally caused by a visit to the dentist… that type of numbness that makes your lip feel like a big fat slug stuck to the front of your face. Dribbles, crooked smiles, and the blood & scars from biting that slug.
-I’ve been thinking about life’s lessons again. The one thing that I keep reminding myself is that nothing is permanent. Everything changes. Always. There’s no getting around it. That’s true of everything & everyone, chronic illness or not. Knowing this tidbit of wisdom certainly does not make any of this any easier to accept. I’ve studied so many various philosophies over the past 15 years or so. You’d think some of those studies, beliefs, etc. would help me out now. Not really. I just sort of scoff at it… for now. I believe that eventually I will become centered once again… emotionally centered. As for being physically centered? I don’t suppose that will ever happen.
-So many people have told me to accept. Accept what? That my body hates itself to the point of self-destruction? How exactly does one go about accepting that? If you know, please fill me in. I just don’t see any level of acceptance happening. I really don’t. For those who tell me to find acceptance – I’d gladly switch places with you so you can show me how it’s done. Funny how the ones who have the most sage advice, the most worldly wisdom, and the eclectic knowledge of the universe are the same ones who refuse to lend a hand… refuse to see things for what they are…refuse to learn anything about this disease & what it might mean to live with it. They are the ones who tell me to work through it, push on through it…you got this! Bullshit. It falls under the same idea that if men were the child-bearers the human race would cease to exist. It’s easy to sit beside the bed and say “breathe! puff puff eeee” (not sure how to spell out Lamaze breath sounds haha) Anyway, you get what I mean I’m sure.
-At my core, I’m happy. I love the life I have for the most part. I have Coach… I have a home I love, we are in a place we are enjoying. I enjoy being home & living in days of creativity. I hate that my body is failing me and that it dictates what each day holds for me. I hate that there are so many things I can’t do, or can’t do safely anymore. Things like going swimming on a whim. There is a pool at the end of our road. It’s so cool and refreshing. I want to just go dive in and swim. But I don’t feel safe doing it unless someone is there with me. And not one of the other residents here – I don’t know if they’d be able to drag my limp ass out of the water should I need it. So I have to swim when Coach is home & has the energy to go down to the pool with me. That dependence drives me nuts.
-I hate that I’m facing 14 hours on the road by myself. I don’t feel safe doing it. I think about all the things that could go wrong with my body. The normal risks of driving are enhanced by the possible bad things that my body could do during the time on the road. I think about things like a big relapse – THE BIG ONE – hitting me while I’m driving some off the map spot on the highways… you know, THE BIG ONE… lose vision, paralysis, all those types of things. What the hell would I do? And I would never ever forgive myself if I had an accident & injured another person because of my stupid hateful body.
Life is good… I am happy. I am loved. I will end there.